if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
we're making bets on your personal life
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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