Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
