mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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