3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
