Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
