watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
