You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
