He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
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