Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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