so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
