R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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