sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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