chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
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