All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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