Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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