we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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