i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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