Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
