I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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