I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
this beer tastes like vomit already
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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