I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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