Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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