my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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