I wish they made helmets for livers.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
