Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
