At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
