i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
