dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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