I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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