I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
