Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
