he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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