I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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