i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
