Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
