Cold hands, warm shart.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
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