i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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