hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
