it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
