So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Randomize
