after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
