I must be too annoying 4 u.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
