My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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