I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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