im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
