i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
