I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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