life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
