just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
