I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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