He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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