I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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