just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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