Swine flu. Run for my life!
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
