Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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