Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
