last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
