shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Randomize