I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
