Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
