I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
