Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
