I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
