Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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