Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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