a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
