Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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