She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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