Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That accounts for only three of the penises
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
