That's intense
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
