So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
